I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Randomize
