Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
