i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
