It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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