i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
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