My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
