youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
