How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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