im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
