Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
