My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
