Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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