I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
