please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
