Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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