you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
