Barsexuality is the new black.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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