It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
