I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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