I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
