Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
