im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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