ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
In America we eat man semen.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
