I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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