I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
