My hair reeks of homosexuality.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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