i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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