i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
