Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
