everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
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