swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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