Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize