Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
