Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
