Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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