boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
