I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize