Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
