I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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