I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
