Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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