my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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