Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
