If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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