My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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