Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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