Swine flu. Run for my life!
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
