He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
