i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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