this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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