Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize