I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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