A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
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