I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
