He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
