A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
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