Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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