Soap is not a condiment
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
