Already got asked if we're dating
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
