There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
