i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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