just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
