She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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