Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
