i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Just invented taco cereal.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
