things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
